John Chedsey

John Chedsey!

Born September 9, 1977, in Q-Tip Rivers, Oklahoma

Everyone knows and recognizes John Chedsey as a man of the people, yet few could tell you exactly who, or where, these people are. Displaying an intense inclination to hold his cards close to his chest, Mr. Chedsey is extremely reticent about disclosing any facts whatsoever about himself. Fortunately science can help us glean a few things.

Let's start with his posture: Dr. Karen Penis of Rottweiler College explains: "It is immediately obvious to the trained eye. Here we see Mr. Chedsey leaning against a wall when there is no wall to be seen. Anywhere! This provides us with conclusive proof that he suffers from Buttokophilia or, Prem's Syndrome. This can result in an obsession with asterisks or, in the most advanced cases, an inability to stop talking when seated in a moving vehicle."

Captain Randy Nestermahr of the Naval Advance Panic Center: "The cards are a different but no less important key. Why does he hold them, suit showing against his chest and why are they all the six of diamonds? And why is it the same deck, by heck? Clearly he is uncomfortable within the notion of holding these cards against some other person's chest and, frankly, this is where the trouble really starts; it is what I call the danger zone. To overcome this we encourage the patient, in this case John Chedsey, to go lightly at first: walk before you try that hurdling! We suggest, through the power of what we term 'Partial Threat', that he hold his cards close to another part of his body or better still, another person's body. It could be the knee...this is academic. Eventually, we hope, the patient will finally lose all attatchment to these naughty cards and post them to someone far away, perhaps care of the receiver's knee...it doesn't matter which knee, you know".

Other scientists strongly disagree:
"...the guy is just a fucker...." Dr. Puce Redurny
"...you asked me once and I still don't know so bug off!..." Nurse Pam

Yes, John Chedsey: A man of the people. And yet....